Mirror, Mirror

Have you ever wondered how we keep ourselves bound in unhealthy relational dynamics, long after we recognize it is not right, fair, loving or kind? I am sure many of you reading this have been seen through the unloving, critical eyes of a partner, friend or family member. I am sure you have felt a negative reflection which had no resemblance to where you felt you were coming from but I also guess you have received those reflections which made you question; “Am I doing wrong here?” or even “Is there something wrong with me?”

As social beings, we depend upon those in our environment to mirror ourselves back to us. This helps us reveal our blind-spots & aids our personal & interpersonal development. Mirroring begins at the beginning of our lives. Our earliest development depends upon the mirroring we receive from others. It is not only how we learn how to be in the world, but also how we develop our emotional intelligence & our sense of self. You see, it is how we are responded to in those early years which helps us build a narrative in our own minds about who we are. When we are understood, validated & supported through our experiences, we learn that we are important, valuable members of the family, that our emotions are here to inform us & we are loved regardless of the feelings we experience. This carries forth into all relationships and the beliefs we have built will either be dispelled or cemented through further mirroring in our lives.

Unfortunately, if our early years offered us unhelpful beliefs about ourselves we can gravitate towards that which is familiar & reinforce the areas we are insecure about. e.g. you’re needy if you have needs, you’re too sensitive if you show emotion, you can never make a mistake or fail or you will be rejected etc.

What we often don’t realize is there is actually a benefit of even negative mirroring. It is in these situations that we can learn to rise above our aggressors & critics and choose to not allow ourselves to be treated this way & stand up for ourselves & our truth. When we do so, we not only choose a more loving reflection externally, but we also tell our internal critic that we do not deserve this treatment any longer. Prior to this, a part of us was willing to go along with it, perhaps out of guilt, shame or duty or was there a part that actually believed what was being said?! When faced with it in relation to another, we have a choice. Do I run from this or accept the challenge and grow from it? Growing from it means owning the part we are playing & evolving from that position. e.g. realizing this relationship does not meet your need for love & belonging & giving yourself permission to seek that with another.

Another person’s behaviour is ultimately about them as Anais Nin says, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” People project what they cannot contain about themselves. Instead of them addressing it within themselves, they are placing it on you to carry & treat you based on that projection. We can recognize these projections through William Glasser’s “Seven Deadly Habits”: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, bribing or rewarding in order to control. A way out of these habits is through the “Seven Caring Habits”: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting & negotiating differences.

When we assess the “mirrors” around us, we can ask ourselves; are we habitually receiving deadly reflections or caring reflections? We can also determine what reflections we are giving to our loved ones. Having an outline of seven new habits offers a guideline from which to begin to create more positive mirroring in our relationships. There is no good reason for anyone to attack our character, to highlight our flaws or failings or to dwell on our weaknesses. If we are giving or receiving this in relationship, we must create better boundaries and look a little deeper to understand what is it we (or they) are seeking within? Is there a need that is going unmet? Are we (or they) not feeling loved? Are we (or they) searching for connection in an unhelpful way? If we can ultimately understand and communicate our unmet needs, we will not have to focus so much on other’s behaviours.

I hope this offers some support for the coming weeks.

Best wishes,

Vivianne.