11 years later

Hello again,

I hope you are all keeping well in these strange, volatile times.

I am coming to you today in reflective mood. This day 11 years ago, also a Friday, May 24th 2013, I sat with my very first client & have been fortunate to have sat with many courageous, insightful & inspiring people since; including many of you reading this!

It is also the date of my mother’s birthday.

She would be 77 years old but passed away almost 20 years ago. While the life she led was extremely influential to me, her passing was a life changing event; one which changed my values, purpose & meaning & also led me to my vocation as a therapist. In honour of her legacy & my 11 years in this role, I thought I would share some of my learning with you so that you may gain some insight in to how it is from my perspective. It is rare that I share of myself in the therapy hour & I hope this gives you an understanding of the value I place on the time we spend together & the role I have been fortunate enough to hold for these past years.

So here are 11 things I have learned in my 11 years:

1. Our hearts lead us & it is never a case that it leads us astray. We may believe it does at times but in essence it teaches us what we need to learn & guides us to our next life step. Therefore, never fear making a mistake, in fact, make many mistakes because each one will give you greater clarity & the courage of your convictions.
2. There is often profound beauty in the most sorrowful moments & profound pain in the most beautiful moments. The human spirit is immense in it’s resilience. We are capable of experiencing both joy & pain at the same time. When we recognise & honour both, we can hold the sorrow a little lighter.
3. There is no such thing as wrong or right in the soul journey. There are social constructs which we conform to or not. Often we are called upon to walk a road we would never have considered. It can be painful but we tend to add further suffering when we resist the road. I like to look at it as accepting the cards that life deals us with a little bit of grace rather than so much protest. We might not get there straight away but aiming to accept what we have to deal with is a start.
4. There is value in even the most challenging behaviour. What challenges us about others contains very useful information about ourselves & our blindspots. Instead of focusing on their behaviour, it is more helpful to ask why am I experiencing this reaction? This will support us to focus on where I need to grow, develop or even, what I need to accept within myself. Projection is the greatest form of defense but it keeps us from truly understanding ourselves & our real needs.
5. The most self-reliant are usually the ones whose needs are most disregarded by others, while the giving people are often meeting their own “need to be needed”. These two rarely support each other…. go figure!
6. Every human being manipulates. To dwell on this could make us cynical. To accept it as literally people trying to meet their needs allows us to see the vulnerability of all of us humans. We are all needy because we all have needs that often, only others can meet. We are social creatures after all. Judging it less, recognising the actual needs at work & being more direct in our approach to meeting our needs would bring much more harmony to relationships.
7. People rarely need advice. Most importantly they need to be seen, heard & understood. Simple skills like mirroring back what we hear & validating what was said, can go a long way in relating to each other.
8. One of the most helpful skills we can learn is effective boundary setting for our physical & mental health. Here we self-validate & draw up the lines that we feel are unacceptable to cross. When we create these boundaries, it gives us the space to heal & grow, rather than be in firefighter mode all the time.
9. Dig deeper to understand your mental & physical health issues. Remember our body works as a whole, so mental ailments can have roots in physical imbalances e.g. Hormonal activity & microbiome activity can disrupt the harmony of our systems very quickly. Keep questioning & seeking out supportive health professionals until you gain clarity. Your well-being & quality of life can depend on it.
10. Being present & connected to ourselves first allows us to be present & connected to another. Many seek to connect across the divide first & abandon themselves in the process. This leads to people pleasing rather than true connection.
11. When people have the courage to share their views & beliefs it can create a storm of judgement & criticism in today’s world. Remember, this polarization divides us. Until that person had that courage to make a stand for their own principles, many of the rest of us were sitting on the fence or in silence. One person creating that ripple gives us the opportunity to step up & consider our own beliefs. We don’t have to agree with them but can we own our own? At the very least it creates more open dialogue which, I for one prefer, rather than big issues being confined to counselling rooms. Let’s keep the conversations open.

So there are 11 thoughts for the day that’s in it. I hope you can receive them in the way they are intended, a sharing of reflections which may spark your own pondering. You can also find below, an anniversary offer of €11 off my online course “Free your Mind – The step by step guide to elevated thinking” which is valid until June 30th. I hope you enjoy the content & the Summer ahead.

Best wishes,

Vivianne.